Im not kidding, this is one of the few things that I REALLY REALLY want. Those people who say they'd do anything for _______? They dont know anything about what I feel.
Life for a disabled wanna be broadway star= twice as hard as the regular wanna be broadway star. I know I have talent. But not in all three. Im a singer above all else, an actor because I have to be, and I can keep time with my feet. I cant dance, at all. I can try, and I can fake it til I make it. I know all the terms, but I cant do it. And thats cold hard fact. Ive never pretended Im good at dancing either. But I dont care what you say, if Im in the studio 3 nights a week with dance shoes on my feet and something playing on the stereo as I atempt timesteps and buffalos, Im a dancer.
I live and breathe theatre. Its not something I do for fun. I do it because I cant live without it. I breathe time signatures and staging and characterization and spots. Costumes, makeup. Even when Im not, Im always on stage. Theatre is all I have, its in my soul. Its my LIFE.
The first time I went to NY, I stayed in the city for two days. Ive never been so in love with anything as I was with that city. Walking into the Nederlander, it was all I could do to get to my seat before I started crying. It felt so good to be in a place where the magic happens, as it were.
When I auditioned for schools, I didnt get into any. I was crushed. I mean, cant get out of bed, cant eat, cant sleep, cry when I open my mouth crushed. I can guarantee you it was because I dont dance well. And thats fine with me, now. I did my best with what I had at the time. It hurts more than anything in the world to be rejected for something youve wanted your whole life. I wont lie. Yes, I thought I was dying. I remember exactly what was going on the day I got my letter. Dad called me upstairs cause he had brought in the mail. On top was a white envelope with blue lettering. I snatched it up and ran back downstairs. Sitting crosslegged on my beige carpeting floor, I let the letter sit there. Because, deep down, I knew what was coming and I didnt want it to happen. Nonetheless; with Dr. Phil spewing monotones in the background, I opened the last of 5 rejection letters. It was dated valentines day. How nice. Happy Valentines Day!! They regretted to inform me that I wasnt accepted into the program. I didnt cry, I couldnt think. My whole life hinged on whether or not I got into school. There was (and still is) no back up plan for me. All or nothing. What was happening? 3 years later, Im back at the top of my game. But it took me a long while to get here. I did as little theatre as I have ever done for a year. Now, Im with a theatre company that I adore. None of us get paid, and we dont pretend we are patti lupones or colm wilkinsons either. We do it for the love of the show. Then we go back to our dayjobs. Joy.
I dont want a day job anymore. I want an all the time job. I want to wake up knowing I have to get to the theatre for our first readthrough etc. All I want is to be onstage at the Nederlander, Gershwin, Rialto, Winter Garden....instead of in the audience. I will find a way.
First I have to find a way to get into a school. One thats going to be willing to believe in me as much as I want to. Thats right, I dont always believe in myself but I always want to. I know all my theatre backwards, forwards, inside out and upside down. Im going to audition for theatre schools again next spring. Will they accept me? I dont know. Its a possibility, its also a possibility they wont. If they dont, Im moving to NYC and going to auditions anyway.
Adam Pascal didnt go to theatre school ;)
This begs the question...or maybe I beg the question : Must you be an excellent dancer to make it on Broadway?
I guess this depends on who you get your answer from. Mine is no, you dont.
Cause I can name shows that dont have dancing in them, or non dancing characters. All of which have either been successful, or should have been so.
Watch out, here I come.
♥
Bella
