Your Candles' out

Yes I realise this post was supposed to be about rocky. But, I have nothing to say about rocky except it was awesome, Frank was no Tim Curry, and Im going again on Tuesday...maybe.

As you know from previous posts, Ive had a long running love affair with theatre. In my 15 years of pure unabashed enjoyment, there arent many musicals I dislike. When I was 8, RENT came out. This put my love for theatre into a whole other stratosphere. It made me laugh(MOOO WITH ME!!!!!!) and cry(THATS NO WAY TO SEND A BOY TO MEET HIS MAKER!) and dance and sing and shout and scream.

Again, when a person is younger, they dont think of futures and cant do's. There is only want and here and now. When Rent came out, I thought of myself as completely normal, I had no troubles, people just made fun of me cause I fell alot. The reality of Cerebral Palsy hadnt hit me yet. All I knew was that I NEEDED to be in RENT. I didnt care how or what, but I needed to be in that show.

As I went on and my disability progressed, I realised that the reality of me being anywhere close to good enough to be in RENT was slim to nil. So, I threw myself into choirs and rock bands and other things, and musicals; RENT particularily, went on the back burner.

In 2007 I lost a really good friend of mine. He was murdered. It took me months to come to terms with the fact that he was gone. When I was told he had passed on, I didnt cry, I wasnt even thinking, but I did dig out my soundtrack to RENT. I put it on and shut myself off from everything and everyone. It was then that I realised why this musical was written and so graciously given to all of us. We all have things we need closure from. It still took me months to come to terms with the fact that he was taken from me so brutally and abruptly, I still called his phone everyday expecting him to pick up. But, RENT taught me how to say goodbye love.

In 2008, yet another loss was thrown at me. One of my best friends from high school crashed her car and died instantly. On my opening night. What did I do? I turned the closet into my dressing room for that evening and blasted RENT. I went through with the show, and the entire run.

2008 was one of the toughest years but also one of the best. Two friends were gone, two family members diagnosed with cancer, my best friend in the entire world was diagnosed with Hepatitis C. I also got to go to NYC for the first time. My first show of my two days in the city was RENT. ive never been so effected by live theatre in my life. I swear, I could feel both of my dear friends in that room with me. I cried the whole show. Id waited so long to see it(everytime it came to my town on tour I was busy..and the movie just isnt the same, though its great too) I have no words for it, even still. I walked out of there with tears streaming down my face and singing out tonight at the top of my lungs. One of the final cast members was in the alley and heard me, he said I had a great voice and should consider auditioning some day. (You can see him in the final cast DVD thats out, every time I watch it it makes me smile)

I was back to thinking again "Should I audition? How do I go about auditioning? Will they take me when I have such an obvious impediment?"

I dont know the answers to any of these questions.

What I do know is this:
*I am a theatre person, a performer, a lover of all things theatrical and I have always fought for what I wanted.

*In the past couple months, my condition has worsened. There are days now where it hurts to walk, Im on anti inflammatory pills for the pain and will probably have to be put in a foot brace.

*In ten years time, I will most likely be wheel chair bound.

*I have to do as much theatre as I can, and right now.

*I have to be in Rent, so I can have my chance to say goodbye love.

*Nothing about life scares me anymore. I will take what comes as it chooses to, and I roll with the punches no matter how much they blacken my face.

*When I try out, whether I get cast or not, everything will always be RENT.


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Ciao bellas...